CAN I TRUST YOU?

CAN YOU TRUST ME?

As newcomers engage the unique cultures of the Great Lakes Region we find that our expectations are adjusted as hope meet reality. For the wise, mythology is confronted, misunderstandings corrected, and we are invigorated by a clearer perception. One of the first areas that try our hope is the expectation of trust. We find that the trust we bring from our home culture is not the trust of other cultures. We may develop relationships that over time feel quite exploitive. On the other hand we may find that others look at us through eyes of mistrust and no matter how good our plans or intentions we are the subject of suspicion and intrigue.

If we don’t process our trust expectation we will leave telling the mythology of a people who can not be trusted. We inadvertently become the voice of prejudice when we originally started with altruistic motives. Also, we undermine our host’s trust as they continue to see angry westerners who only seem interested in them when we control the agenda. The infra-structure of colonialism is long dead, but the remnants of neo-colonial agendas seem to creep into many host’s perceptions.

It would seem that self-reflection about the issue of trust would be a good starting point before we accept prejudice as our method of operation. For those from a western culture we generally bring a neutral perception in the area of trust. We meet some one for the first time and ask a few basic questions that enable us to remember their name and a few facts about them. We generally assume the best until time proves something different. Our financial systems function with checks, credit cards, and loans all assuming that the majority of people we interact with have the resources to back up their commitments (or at least know where to find them if they have overextended themselves.)

For our host culture these assumptions may not be the starting point. As they read theology they may tend to emphasize the fallen nature of humanity over creation in the image of God. They expect for trust to be earned and are less likely to make relationship commitments until references and experience have shown that someone is worthy. Though they may be initially warm, sincere commitment is reserved. Thus their emotions are guarded until time says commitment is merited and advantageous.

The Nigerian Internet Conman has mastered this difference of cultural trust. His ethical cousins of pseudo-church leaders, brief case N.G.O. workers and fly by night businessmen all know that they can quickly enter into a relationship of trust and be gone with a pocket full of money and a funny story before the westerner knows what has happened. In fact the street conman masquerading as a legitimate friend may be the subject of a warm power point mythology back home. Yet, a few wise up and realize they have been had.

A good example of earned trust is in the marriage process. Boy may meet girl somewhere on their own, but when it is time to get serious you must find some advisors to guide the process. The advisors will initially make inquiries that are indirect, but understood. At first the inquiries are received with warm hospitality, but then a shift happens when the intention becomes clear. From then on it’s time to hop through hoops.

The first hoop to hop through is the one of relationships. Who do you really know? Who will speak for you? What is your heritage? The concerned bride and groom are almost irrelevant. Instead, the advisors must “introduce” everyone and navigate the process of earning trust.

If the process of marriage involves a community of advice and introductions it would seem that to adapt well socially in the Great Lakes Region we also should seek advisors and introductions. Thus we are less likely to find ourselves in exploitive relationships if we go through a process of checking references and building a wide network full of social debt. When we have done our relationship homework we will find that for someone to misuse our trust will start a cycle of communal embarrassment and lost opportunities.

Related to the trust we give to others also is the trust others will give to us. A frequent complaint of expatriate workers in the region is the amount of hoops that need to be hopped through for the most basic tasks such as registering a business, NGO or acquiring a visa. It would be wise to remember that the government official you are dealing with can not quickly type our social security number into a computer and find out our criminal and credit history. Instead if he is to be faithful in his responsibility he will need to find some other hoops to gauge our character.

For those of us who make our livings as public servants in government, religious organizations, or non-profit organizations we have grown used to a measure of respect that our job title confers. However, Rwanda’s history has seen our professions excessive failings and we must accept that in most minds we are unworthy of trust. Thus, unless we are exceedingly powerful and willing to intimidate to get our way we must be willing to start at the bottom and earn trust. If we try to short circuit the process we can count on passive aggressive behavior following our whole career in the region. So we go back to the simple parts of introductions, friend making, network building, listening, and appropriate engagement.

One of my career early mentors had some ground rules as he bounced offices to get established. First make a friend with someone who knows someone, and ask for them to introduce you. Thus you enter into the social system with a measure of trust. Another was to always dress professional. Look like you are a serious person. Another was to have business cards and written documents. Look like have put thought into what you intend to do. The last was to become friends with everyone possible. Take the time to ask about details of life. Find out about their background and family. Over the course of years you may find that someone you knew in humble circumstances will become influential. Lastly, find out about their hopes and do everything possible to support turning another’s vision into reality. It was by these types of actions that he established trust and over the course of time was able to be much more effective as he navigated.

Can I trust you? Can you trust me? To be honest the initial answer is probably not. However, if you are willing to put in the time and work process you will find that the Great Lakes region is home to deep friendships that last for a life time.